V-Day Parody Contest Deadline Approaching

The parody contest sponsored by Jack Kammer is still accepting entries for their "If I only had a V" contest to satirize the radical feminist hijacking of Valentine's Day as "V-Day". The deadline for submissions is February 6, so please get them in early, for a chance to win $100! Read on for more details, and check out the contest link. You may have heard that for the past several years certain sexist domestic
violence zealots have been attempting to convert Valentine's Day into yet
another occasion for wrongly portraying violence as something men mainly do to
women. They have dubbed February 14 "V-Day." The V stands for, you
guessed it, Violence. At the behest of Eve Ensler, author of the
much-ballyhooed stage production "The Vagina Monologues," the V also stands
for Vaginas.

Hearts to Violence to Vaginas. A lovely trick.

To help poke some fun at this bizarre turn of events, I have agreed to
serve as a judge, along with 22 other men and women in the US, UK, Canada
and Australia, in the first "If I Only Had a V" satire/parody songwriting
contest, based on the "Wizard of Oz" Tin Man's song "If I Only Had a
Heart."

The winning entry will humorously describe how a man's life might be better
if he only had a vagina. Judging criteria are (a) effectiveness in
satirizing the idea that women in western societies are always virtuous,
never committing violence themselves, (b) effectiveness in satirizing the
idea that women in western societies are oppressed, (c) adherence to the
original meter and tone of the song "If I Only Had a Heart," (d)
suitability for being reported verbatim by the mainstream media and (e)
humor.

The author of the winning entry will receive a cash prize of $100.

The deadline for entries is February 6, 2003. For details on rules and how
to enter visit www.RulyMob.com/contest.htm.

Please let the Tin Man's song play in your mind for a while and try to come
up with a satire/parody of your own. It just might be the winner.

Here are the words to the original song, the words for which I hope you
will submit a sharp, funny, incisive parody.

If I Only Had a Heart

When a man's an empty kettle

He should be on his mettle

And yet I'm torn apart

Just because I'm presumin

That I could be kind-a human

If I only had a heart.

I'd be tender, I'd be gentle

And awful sentimental

Regarding love and art.

I'd be friends with the sparrows

And the boy who shoots the arrows,

If I only had a heart.

Picture me... a balcony...

Above a voice sings low --

Wherefore art thou, Romeo?

I hear a beat.

How sweet!

Just to register emotion,

Jealousy, devotion

And really feel the part.

I could stay young and chipper

And I'd lock it with a zipper

If I only had a heart.

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