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You may have heard that for the past several years certain sexist domestic
violence zealots have been attempting to convert Valentine's Day into yet
another occasion for wrongly portraying violence as something men mainly do to
women. They have dubbed February 14 "V-Day." The V stands for, you
guessed it, Violence. At the behest of Eve Ensler, author of the
much-ballyhooed stage production "The Vagina Monologues," the V also stands
for Vaginas.
Hearts to Violence to Vaginas. A lovely trick.
To help poke some fun at this bizarre turn of events, I have agreed to
serve as a judge, along with 22 other men and women in the US, UK, Canada
and Australia, in the first "If I Only Had a V" satire/parody songwriting
contest, based on the "Wizard of Oz" Tin Man's song "If I Only Had a
Heart."
The winning entry will humorously describe how a man's life might be better
if he only had a vagina. Judging criteria are (a) effectiveness in
satirizing the idea that women in western societies are always virtuous,
never committing violence themselves, (b) effectiveness in satirizing the
idea that women in western societies are oppressed, (c) adherence to the
original meter and tone of the song "If I Only Had a Heart," (d)
suitability for being reported verbatim by the mainstream media and (e)
humor.
The author of the winning entry will receive a cash prize of $100.
The deadline for entries is February 6, 2003. For details on rules and how
to enter visit www.RulyMob.com/contest.htm.
Please let the Tin Man's song play in your mind for a while and try to come
up with a satire/parody of your own. It just might be the winner.
Here are the words to the original song, the words for which I hope you
will submit a sharp, funny, incisive parody.
If I Only Had a Heart
When a man's an empty kettle
He should be on his mettle
And yet I'm torn apart
Just because I'm presumin
That I could be kind-a human
If I only had a heart.
I'd be tender, I'd be gentle
And awful sentimental
Regarding love and art.
I'd be friends with the sparrows
And the boy who shoots the arrows,
If I only had a heart.
Picture me... a balcony...
Above a voice sings low --
Wherefore art thou, Romeo?
I hear a beat.
How sweet!
Just to register emotion,
Jealousy, devotion
And really feel the part.
I could stay young and chipper
And I'd lock it with a zipper
If I only had a heart.
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