Slate's "Dear Prudie" rationalizes to give ethical pass to women who got pregnant "on the sly"

Submitted by Matt on Sat, 2015-04-04 07:03

Letter here. The response is typical of most people's to the matter. It's this kind of reaction that allows so many women to feel it's all well and good to engage in fraud and subterfuge around this topic. Letting "Dear Prudie" know how you feel about her response at prudence@slate.com may do some good. Excerpt:

'...But your act doesn’t make you a monster, nor do I think there’s any benefit to enlightening everyone now. Both you and Ben rose to the occasion and neither of you would express regret that you’re parents to Holly. Ben has been Holly’s father for 13 years; even were he to find out about your trickery I can’t imagine he would now look upon his daughter as the demon seed. It would just be one more confirmation that you and he never belonged together. At this late date, however, your coming clean would only cast a shadow over your character. You are deeply remorseful for what sounds like a singular act of substantial deceit. There’s nothing to be gained by telling your husband and making him uneasy about your essential honesty...You and your friend are also hardly the only women to deliberately get pregnant without letting the man in on your plan, as objectionable as that behavior is. As for your friend, since there are other, straightforward ways to find a sperm donor, how sad that she preferred to make an unwitting stranger the father of her child.'

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Comments

Also read the second letter. It is about a woman who chose to have an abortion without telling her boyfriend, who she assumes would have welcomed fatherhood. She wants to tell him now, but worries he will be upset.

Both letters are difficult topics as honesty and inclusion at the time they occurred would have been the best in a healthy relationship. Even I am at a loss at to what would be best to do about it after the fact. In the abortion case, if one believes a fetus is not a person, then abortion is just a form of female birth control, which an individual does (and should have) the legal right to use without approval or inclusion of his/her mate. Just like a man who secretly gets a vasectomy. But if one cant be forthcoming with birth control information with his/her mate, it would not seem like a good or healthy relationship to me. So perhaps not morally right but still legally right.

These topics remind me about how couples should discuss wether they are pro-abortion or anti abortion and how they would handle birth control and birth control failure before they become sexually involved.

The incident about getting pregnant on purpose and passing it off as an accidental pregnancy gets me thinking about birth control and what are expectations should really be. Women have a innate desire to have children. So while the invention of birth control can inhibit conception, it cannot stop innate desires. Maybe our expectations of birth control are too high. I also think more unpleasant consequences on women would also help (like not getting full custody and child support)

I have often wondered what society and sexual behavior would be like if we did not offer BC or abortion to anyone who was not married. Once people are married it would be used to limit number of children. So men and women would have to be more choosey about sex before marriage and it would basically benefit or strengthen a family which is already formed rather than inhibit families from forming.

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Submitted by Kris on Sat, 2015-04-04 22:44

I have to agree with you here, Kris. Couples really do need to discuss where they stand on BC, and pro-life vs. pro-choice before they engage in sexual activity.

This also reminds me of some sage advice my dad told me. He said never sleep with a woman you wouldn't be willing to marry. I'm glad I heeded the words of both of you.

That being said, personally, I think what both women did was close to the worst betrayal a woman can do to a man. They should be honest and apologize to the men they deceived. It's the only way they can find some redemption from their actions.

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Submitted by xtrnl on Tue, 2015-04-07 18:18