"Why Great Husbands Are Being Abandoned"

Article here. Excerpt:

'I am currently dealing with several of these great husbands. They are, across the board, respectful, quality, caring, devoted, cherishing, authentic, and supportive guys whose wives have left them for a different kind of man. These once-beloved men make a living, love their kids, help with chores, support aging parents, and support their mate's desires and interests. They believe they've done everything right. They are devastated, confused, disoriented, and heartsick. In a tragic way, they startlingly resemble the disheartened women of the past who were left behind by men who "just wanted something new."

You may think that these women are ruthless and inconsiderate. Those I know are far from that. More often, they still love their husbands as much as they ever did, but in a different way. They tell me how wonderful their men are and how much they respect them. They just don't want to be married to them anymore. Perhaps it would be even more honest to say that they don't want to be yoked to anyone any more. At least in the traditional ways they once embraced as ideal. They feel compassion for their prior mates, but liberated in their new-found right to create a different way of feeling in relationships. In short, they want to live their lives with the privileges men once had.
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The women I have treated who have left their husbands for more "masculine" men believed that their new relationships would be able to both excite and nurture them. Sadly, that has not always happened. The veritable saint with balls is as elusive as ever. When things haven't worked out as they thought they would, several of the women I am now working with are re-thinking their decisions, wondering if they left too soon, or for the wrong reasons. They want to reconcile with the men they have left behind. Their husbands are torn between the understandable desire to reject them and still wanting them back. Ironically, because these have nurtured the feminine side of their natures, they are also able to forgive in a way few men have been able to do in the past. But because they have no interest in returning to the "bad boy" mentality their competitors brandished, they are faced with a challenge most men have never had to confront. How do they hold on to their vulnerability and capacity to nurture, and blend it with the strength and power required of a self-respecting leader of men? None of my reuniting couples ever want to lose each other again. They've left the old ways behind and know that going back to what was will not work anymore. They intensely want to create a new kind of connection that blends the beauty of traditional roles with the freedom to move between them, and to blend the best of the past with an as-yet-unwritten future. It must be a parallel path. Both men and women must separately find their own balance between their need for independence and their desire for ongoing commitment. As integrated individuals in their own right, they would then have the capacity to create a relationship that is more than the exchange or sum of the parts. Committed partners who are willing to fight for that innovative solution will find the way.'

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Comments

Holy crow! Total prattle!

The reason wives are divorcing "perfectly nice" husbands is because "nice" men are about as exciting in any sense of the word as grass growing. "Nice" is boring. Lovers of either sex who seem over-eager to give but avoid taking (i.e., who never ask partners for what they want, but are happy to ask partners what their partners want) often fail to give their partner what he/she also needs in addition to an orgasm: a sense of fulfillment from satisfying the other person.

But taking it out of the bedroom, just consider everyday life: do people-pleasers "win" at things, generally? Focused people often succeed, but are successful people typically people-pleasers? Even in the people-pleasing industries like hospitality and entertainment, what's the necessary attitude for success? Please the people around you, or please your customers? It's the 2nd thing, and this only b/c they pay you to. Hoteliers care little abt pleasing their employees, but a lot abt pleasing their guests. "Nice" ppl typically make bad mgrs in hospitality industries. They insist their employees be present and deferential toward guests, obedient and willing to work hard, typically for low wages, and if they get rude even once to a guest, sayonara. Nice ppl aren't like that, are they? Or, ask anyone who's ever "worked for The Mouse", i.e., at a Disney amusement park/facility. Long hours, low pay, no excuses. Smile through your tears and 120-degree costume-induced beads of sweat.

Ultimately, one makes a significant error in judgment when he/she decides to change in some way if even the change is, objectively-speaking, desirable, in an effort to please someone else. Unless one is genuinely on-board with the idea, the change will be superficial and probably make the person doing it rather unhappy, as doing anything unwillingly doesn't tend to bring a person happiness. Additionally, when in this kind of context (romantic rel'ps), there are never guarantees. What if, as the author discusses, the asker gets the askee to change, and is still dissatisfied? Often ppl in cpls ask a person to change in a way they think the askee cannot all to provide a ready excuse to use to dump/divorce them. The classic quit-smoking-or-I'll-leave-you jumps to mind. Asker thinks askee is so hooked on butts he/she'll never succeed, but surprises everyone when they go an entire year smoke-free. Askee thinks all's fine now, until 6 mos. later, when asker announces his/her departure from askee anyway. This time, the real reason comes out: I just plain don't love you "like that" anymore, or there's someone else, or both, etc.

But don't get me wrong re men being encouraged these past 30+ yrs. to admit of their "anima" more, and women of their "animus". Not a bad thing in and of itself. It's just that anyone who thought that men "in touch with" their anima were less likely to get dumped by their wives due to this fact were being (and still are) breathtakingly naive abt human nature. You're either in love w/ someone, or you're not. Their behavior often has little to do with this fact. As long as ppl like the author think emotional states like being in or out of love can be engineered via therapy, there'll still be ppl getting told to "keep working on it", even if "it" has been dead and buried for years. And, caveat emptor -- remember ppl like the author make their livings off "keeping hope alive" betw. ppl even after the most fundamental terms of the rel'p have been totally abrogated. (Infidelity followed by divorce... now she wants her ex to "take her back" after she probably took him to the cleaners, and these fools actually entertain the idea? Bizarre!) Her concluding with "love will find a way," aside from defying both reason and experience, is also an invitation to keep ppl like her in business. Since in order for love under such circumstances to "find a way", it'll probably need a guide itself. That'd be ppl like her, at $100-200/hr, ka-ching!

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So, how realistic is the option of encouraging men to become independent before getting involved with women?

I figure they would be less likely to put up with this kind of crap if they were independent.

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