When Men Want to Talk About Abortion

Article here. Excerpt:

'When tennis legend Jimmy Connors released his memoir last month, one revelation fixated the media: Connors' disclosure that nearly 40 years ago, his then-fiancée, fellow tennis great Chris Evert, had had an abortion. Reaction was swift and negative. Evert issued a short statement expressing extreme disappointment that her former partner had revealed such a "private matter. " Writing here, Jessica Luther criticized Connors, arguing that this "was not his story to tell."

Regardless of whether Connors violated the principles of ethical memoir, the story reveals how challenging it can be for men to speak openly about their own reactions to a partner's abortion. Connors seems to remain bitter over being excluded from the then 19-year-old Evert's decision-making process (In the book, he writes to Evert: "Well, thanks for letting me know. Since I don't have a say in the matter, I guess I am just here to help.") That bitterness reinforces the stereotype that score-settling is what lies behind most men's public disclosure of a partner's abortion.

Yet men have other reasons to talk about abortion besides a desire to shame an ex. In many cases, it's about acknowledging long-suppressed feelings of loss and guilt. That is certainly true in my case, and in the cases of many with whom I've worked in men's groups.'