Men Never ‘Had It All’

Article here. Excerpt:

'I have all the respect in the world for the impossible challenges working moms face. The battle is not the same for men; it is not as tough. We don’t have both the maternal voice and the feminist voice in our heads telling us we should be at home nurturing our kids and also at work building fulfilling careers. But it’s nearly impossible for men to have it all too. Many men want fulfilling family lives. I want that even as I fulfill my familial role by providing. But most of the time I feel like I’m not involved enough in either my career or my kids’ lives. I usually feel as though my life is like a plate of food sitting in front of me, but there’s so much that the plate is overwhelmed, unable to hold it all, so it spills over onto the table.

When I’m at work and away from my kids, my heart aches as I look at the pictures my wife texts me. Here we are eating ice cream in the park! Look at us with the Easter bunny! Aren’t they cute in this little pool?! Meanwhile, I’m alone in a quiet office trying to finish my next book or preparing for tomorrow’s show. But when I’m with them, I can’t totally forget about the work I could be doing to help give them everything they need. Work that’s piling up because I can no longer work during weekends whenever I need to and must end many work days early to pick up someone from school. But then I find myself in northern Iowa or central Florida, about to give a speech about my book, and read an e-mail from a teacher about how my son acted out at school that day, and I feel tinier than a bug. Am I having it all? No.

My dad didn’t have it all, but he never seemed to worry about it. For many years he ran his own accounting business in Mattapan, Mass., and during tax season we barely saw him. He drove us to school and that was the last we saw of him until the next day’s drive. He taught me that a man is a provider. If that means working long hours and missing out on some key family moments, then so be it. I knew my dad loved me because he was always at the office. He was far from an absent father, but he did not achieve the balance I’d like to have. Alas, as I write this, my wife is putting the kids to bed by herself. I’ll get home later and kiss them asleep in their beds.'