Powerful video shows problem with telling boys not to cry

Certainly well-intentioned, but two things:

1. The message was all abt making life better for abused women by raising boys in a way not likely to give rise to abusive personalities forming in said boys.  Great!  The undiscussed piece is why telling boys they shouldn't cry gives rise to abusive traits is *some* men later.  The answer is that telling anyone at a young age not to express his (or her) feelings in a natural and cathartic way (controlling of course for willful temper tantrums and dangerous behavior-- good things too have their limits) causes a person to get in the mental habit of pushing away or "disowning" their feelings, also called "stuffing" feelings, suppressing the process of just plain having them, much less expressing them.  In more extreme cases, esp. when significant abuse is present, what p-docs call "psychic splitting" occurs.  This results in disowned or splintered parts of the psyche being de-associated from the primary/dominant ego mass of the individual.  Personality disorders such as Borderline, Narcissistic (Borderline is sometimes misdiagnosed as Narcissistic and vice versa), Schizoid, etc. arise in part from psychic splitting.  But while schizoid personalities are rarely abusive (except unintentionally, and this takes the form of a seeming callous indifference bordering on willful neglect of signif. ppl in the person's life), borderline and narcissistic personalities always show abusive traits, frequently physically as well as emotionally, etc. -- but not always.  The BP person can do a lot of damage to others w/out so much as slapping a face, much less threatening to do so.  Those more extreme states aside, teaching a child to stuff his feelings causes him not just to devalue his own feelings and introduces emotional instability and encourages a lack of introspection or honest self-evaluation b/c he's been taught not to trust his own feelings.  If he can't trust his own feelings, can he trust his own opinion even of himself?  But once taught his own feelings aren't important, he naturally concludes at an early age that others' feelings don't matter.  And that's bad for the child and adult they become, and not just b/c of how it affects other ppl.  The very experience of being a human being has been compromised by a bunch of gender bigots who thought their sons, nephews, etc., had to conform to their version of masculinity, setting him up for a lot of  unhappiness and hampering his ability to defend himself (for example, against feminists shaming him, the gov't demanding he lay down his life for the interests principally of large corporations, or anything else where he needs to be able to look after his own interests), fully mature, or have satisfying rel'ps w/ others.

Fuckers.

2.  The ad doesn't mention or even allude to rates of female DV and how the same thing as done to boys (but maybe for diff. reasons, i.e., telling girls to act like "a lady") has the *exact same effect* and leads to similar results.  So while this bad child-raising protocol is done also to girls, messing up their current and future happiness like the boys, it also neglects to mention how their victims once grown up are by and large male.

Again, fuckers.

I tell my son not to cry.

I tell him not to cry when he does not get the toy he wants or the candy he wants of if he cannot stay up late. He CAN cry if he gets an owie, though. He can cry if he did not get invited to a party. He can cry if he is missing someone. And I, or his mother, will be his support.

I teach my son not to cry.

I teach him not to cry in the center aisle of the store, but to save it for a private time and express it with loved ones. This is a lesson that takes time to learn. I allow errors, but I always speak and teach him.

Lost in our emotional, Oprah-inspired times is the purpose of tears: they have a time and a place and should not be used to manipulate.

In my thirty years of teaching at the university, many students have come to me for grade changes. When I was wrong, I change the grade. When I was correct, I did not change the grade. In all my years, the men get slightly irritated and move on: not once has any man ever cried. The women have cried. And I lose respect for what is apparently an attempt to manipulate me.

Remember the movie “Boys don’t cry?” In that movie, a woman impersonates a man and tricks men into accepting her into their “bonding circle.” When discovered, she is beaten and raped. In itself, this act was evil and the perpetrators should have been punished. Lost in the self-righteous, self-indulgent mockery of men in this movie, was the fact that she lied. She lied, she deceived, she manipulated and she enjoyed it and mocked the men. I had no empathy for her and reserve my compassion for true victims who do not deceive.

So rather than focus attention on telling boys to open the floodgates of their emotions and cry like maniacs in an onion field, in all situations (like not getting legos and screaming in the center aisle), we should really be telling little girls to stop crying to manipulate and stop using emotions to make men act a certain way.

Crying to release emotions is good. Crying to manipulate is not. In my experience, women are more likely to use emotions to manipulate men than vice versa (though men do it sometimes).

And learning when to express emotions is also a valid lesson. Crying in public is not always a good idea, though it might be appropriate on occasion.

And it's also my observation that women express their emotions to men and men express their emotions to women. Women apparently feel more secure in expressing all of their emotions than men. I suspect that's because men are accepting of women's emotions. Men learn not to express their emotions--because too often women don't accept men's emotions. Men learn to only express certain emotions to women--because women don't really want to hear some emotions, such as fear or uncertainty or doubt. Women mostly want to hear "I love you" and "I'm sorry." Not much else.

And controlling one's emotions can be a virtue, such as when dealing with an emergency.

I also think DV has little to do with emotional expression or lack thereof. I think most DV for men stems from a sense of powerlessness. Men gain only temporary power from DV. As to women, I'm not so sure. They may actually gain power if they discover the man won't fight back--or that she can call the police and get him busted even if she's at fault.

What role does "women crying to manipulate" play in domestic violence reactions?

I am NOT saying DV is justified. But every drama has players with various roles.