"It’s Time to Start Negotiating"

Submitted by fondueguy on Sun, 2010-10-10 19:37

Someone had recently told me that bogs on men's rights and anti-Feminism are gaining popularity in Sweden. I asked if there were any Swedish blogs with postings in English and I got some examples including PelleBilling.com. The blog owner is an M.D. in Sweden and has been on TV, done interviews, and given lectures on men's issues. His post, here, succinctly brings large and historical issues to the individual level in a very useful and widely applicable way. Excerpt:

'The story of humanity is one where collective negotiation between the sexes has always been the norm. Tribes didn’t succeed by having each man and woman quarrel about what tasks to perform. Men and women simply did what needed to be done in order to survive and to secure the wellbeing of their offspring. In traditional nation states men would support and protect the family, while women would give birth to children and work in the home. Roles were simple, efficient and clear-cut, with each sex respecting the other for the important role they fulfilled. However, the social fabric of the past is very much in the past, and it’s a new day with a completely new set of rules.

You may not have learned it in school, and your parents may not have taught you, but relying on traditional gender roles to get you where you want is uncertain at best. In this day and age we need to turn to individual negotiation, something that men especially need to start becoming aware of. Women have already made this transition to a much greater extent, thanks to the women’s movement. Women are more aware of their choices, and evolutionary speaking women have always had to think about how good a deal they can get when interacting with men.
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Men, on the other hand, still believe that they need to perform their traditional duties in every area of life, and are rarely fully conscious of what they offer and what they get in return. If you are a man reading this, I therefore offer you this checklist of things to become aware of in your everyday life...'

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Comments

I like this article. I am a big believer that most relationship problems can be avoided if couples simply talk about their expectations.

I think talking, negotiating and being honest about your expectations is great advice for both men and women. However I don't see the issues as unique to one gender as the author does, and I think he is a little presumptuous and stereotypical as to what each person would value and how they might define equality.

For example my sister married a guy who is a control freak. He's also very chivalrous. She works full time and he stays home and runs the household. He's even anal about furniture placement and cleaning products. He wont let anyone do anything because he likes it a certain way. She wants to be involved in some of these tasks, but he wont let her. The compromise? My sister loves animals. She has horses, goats, snakes and chickens. She brings home every hurt or orphaned animal she finds. She says she puts up with her husband's controlling personality because he puts up with all her pets.

She doesn't think either of them would ever be able to put-up with or be accepted by anyone else. Therefor they are the perfect mates for eachother.

So couples don't always trade 5 apples for 5 oranges. Sometimes it's more about personalities which can't really be measured.

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Submitted by Kris on Mon, 2010-10-11 06:30

Part of the reason why men aren't negotiating much, if at all, these days is the long-lived custom which trains boys to grow up to be sacrificers. Men are told "don't think of yourself, give to others" in many ways. Going to war and dying for your country, providing financially for your family even if it means taking on great personal risk, physically protecting your woman from other men, and many other customs and role-expectations all come back to men saying "you as a man don't rank -- you are not equal to a woman." Phrases like "women and children first" yelled as the Titanic went down, these also communicate the same thing. Before men can negotiate as equals, they need to see themselves as equals. And before they see themselves as equals, they need to acknowledge that the culture and their training have taught them to be sacrificers, to be expendable, to be less than others.

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Submitted by redwoodwriter on Mon, 2010-10-11 16:41

Thanks for emphasizing how boys are trained to be sacrificers and groomed to be disposable. Nowadays in the MRM, one is more likely to hear some flaky evol. psych. explanation of how men are genetically programmed to be disposable, etc. If that MR trend persists, males will be less likely to free themselves since they will continue to think of their bondage as "natural."

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Submitted by Hunchback on Mon, 2010-10-11 18:30