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by Anonymous User on Friday November 16, @12:54PM EST (#1)
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Quote
"Therapists describe a common tick-tock in relationships after Sept. 11: Women tend to be more open with their feelings. Men tend to be more compartmentalized and in control. She wants reassurance from him and is disappointed when he won't empathize. He feels overwhelmed by her needs and withdraws. In rocky relationships, both sink into loneliness and despair and the tide of anger begins to rise.
"This is not to say that couples can't change their dynamic – but they have to change first."
That doesn't sound like male-bashing, it sounds like the truth. Women are more vocal about their problems, men are more withdrawn. Because of this, the couple ends up colliding, and the only way to solve the problem is to find a middle ground.
That's not the same thing at all as saying the guy is inadequate.
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"I tend to respond more emotionally," she continued. "My moods will move up and down. My husband is a very steady kind of guy. There are moments when I want to grab him by the shoulders and say, 'Damn it. Get upset!'?" But that does not make her doubt him as a mate or question their marriage.
"Differences are important. His laid-back quality is important to sustaining the marriage. I know that. A good marriage is when you know both sides," she said.
Whoever this women is, she deserves a HUGE pat on the back for accutually understanding her husband. Instead of the stereotypical reponse of "you don't love me anymore!"
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That's not the same thing at all as saying the guy is inadequate.
True, anonymous, but many are the times when quotes like "but they have to change first" REALLY means "the guy needs to change and open up." That's why couples therapy often fails. The man gets all the blame for not being a woman.
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by Anonymous User on Friday November 16, @03:11PM EST (#4)
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Unfortunately, if a therapist or a wife says something like, "we/both of you have to change," and the man retorts back with, "What you really mean is that I need to change," then the couple is back at Square One.
I'm sure wives do this too. This is the more likely reason why couples therapy fails. Neither wants to compromise.
Also, many of these people have incompatible values and life goals that should have precluded them from marrying in the first place. Say one person wants children and the other doesn't, or say the woman wants to be a full-time mother and the husband wants a career woman.
People should discuss things like this even before getting engaged, but they usually don't. They stupidly wait until after they get married, then bring it up, and then there's no choice but to divorce, because it's so unlikely either of them will ever change their minds. In those cases its both spouses' fault, because neither of them took the responsibility to find out if the "love of their life" was actually compatible with them.
I think most marriages fail because of both spouses.
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I think most marriages fail because of both spouses.
No doubt. I've just seen a lot of couples go bad (friends of mine, and relatives) after they go into therapy because as soon as they get home the wife starts in with something like this:
"The counselor said you have to do this. You have to do that. You have to talk to me. You have to, you have to, you have to...." She focuses strictly on the ways in which the husband must give, and fails to make any effort on her part.
Granted the husband needs to make efforts, too, but he doesn't need to be stomped on while he's down, either.
I, personally, will never marry. I've just seen too many people wrecked by it. I'm not saying marriage is bad for everyone, or that it can't work. I'm just saying it's not worth it for me. :)
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