Karen De Coster's article is a direct frontal assault on an idea currently in vogue in some circles, namely the notion that masculinity itself is inherently bad. She reminds us that there's nothing wrong with men acting like men. Thus, at first blush (if a real man is allowed to use words like "blush") she seems to provide a refreshing counterpoint to the constant stream of radical feminist male-bashing. However, on closer examination one quickly realizes that radical feminist male-bashers and "traditionalist" women such as Ms. De Coster are simply two sides of the same coin. Both groups want to define for men how men should behave, rather than let men determine that for themselves. That the radical feminist male-blaming attitude is bad for men is self evident. However, Ms. De Coster's traditionalist views can be just as destructive to men, albeit in different ways.

For example, Ms. De Coster thinks "manly" is looking and acting like the Marlboro Man. It's interesting to note that at least two of the actors who portrayed the Marlboro Man later died of lung cancer. Wayne McLaren, who portrayed the MM in print and billboard ads, died in 1992 at the age of 51. David McLean, who portrayed the MM on TV, died in 1995. My point? The activity that these ads intended to associate with masculinity, namely smoking, in all likelihood led to the premature deaths of the men involved. Their stories are thus a metaphor for the situation all men in our society face. We're constantly being told that in order for us to be real men, we must engage in some kind of risky or self destructive behavior. Sometimes the self destructive aspect of supposed "masculine" behavior is obvious, like smoking, or fighting, or high risk sports. Sometimes the self destructive aspect of the behavior comes from not asking for help when we need it; like the MM, we're supposed to be stoic. "Shut up and take it like a man," the traditionalist woman tells us.

And boy, do we get the message. If boys were taught that it's OK to ask for help, and that their lives are just as valuable as girls, would boys commit suicide at a rate 4 times that of girls? What if men weren't taught to equate their egos with their jobs, as Ms. De Coster does in this essay, and what if men weren't judged by the size of their paycheck but by the content of their character? Would they be so willing to do most of the "death jobs" and put up with unsafe workplaces, so much so that over 90% of workplace deaths are male? Indeed, what if men were taught that it takes just as much if not more courage to fight unsafe working conditions, rather than just stoically accept them? That's one problem with the traditionalist's definition of manliness. Let's say we accept courage as a positive masculine trait. The problem is, the kind of courage displayed by someone like Gandhi, whose demeanor and ectomorphic appearance were opposite that of the Marlboro Man, doesn't even show up in the traditionalist radar scope.

Another example: Ms. De Coster freely admits to "making game of stay-at-home daddies." She then reveals her fundamental mistake about what at-home-dads are when she refers to men who "look good pregnant." This statement arises from the mistaken notion that men who stay at home with the kids somehow want to be women or mothers. Nothing could be further from the truth. I am an at-home dad. But don't call me "Mr. Mom" because I'm not a mom and don't want to be. My kids have a mom, and she's great. I'm a dad, and I do all the same things dads have done throughout history. I teach my sons right from wrong; I act as a role model for them; I protect my family. If Ms. De Coster doesn't think that's manly, that's her narrow minded problem. I just hope when and if her career takes off, and she wants to get married and have kids, (and for all I know she may already have done all that) she'll understand when her "manly" husband insists she be the one to give up her career and take care of them. Surely she wouldn't want to do something nontraditional or "unladylike" and continue to work when she has kids at home. That's another thing about this essay that grates on me. For a woman who is a CPA and is getting her MA in economics to lecture men against making nontraditional life choices is blatant hypocrisy.

Let me give just a little background, so that everyone will know my comments are not the "sour grapes" of a man who couldn't hack it in the traditional "manly" spheres. I'm a former Marine officer who liked nothing more than rappelling out of helicopters in the dead of night. (By the way, as a Marine I've learned a few things about leadership along the way as well. One thing I've learned is that real leadership happens anywhere, not just in a 9-5 job.) My hobbies include participating in a group of volunteer civilians who serve as opposition forces for Reserve and Guard units. And, though I'm now more Drew Carey in appearance, anytime some Sean Connery or George Clooney type wants to throw on an 80 lb. backpack and hump through the woods to see who drops first, I'm game. I'm not saying this to brag (well, maybe a little (g)) just to let you know where I am coming from. One of my at-home dad buddies is a former saturation diving instructor for the Navy Seals. I'm sure he'd say the same thing; staying at home doesn't make us wimps, nor do we want to be like women.

And no, I don't watch Oprah. Between taking care of the boys and working out at the gym, I don't have time. If anything, I watch reruns of JAG and Law and Order. The only daytime talk-show I can stand, and that rarely, is Montel Williams, because Montel is a Marine and a former Navy cryptologist, just like me.

Personally, I don't care if my wife brings me flowers. She has, but she has also brought me a man-bouquet on occasion. In case you didn't know, that's two six packs, i.e. a dozen beers instead of a dozen roses. The important point was that she did something to show that she appreciates what I do for our family. I know it comes as a surprise to many when I say this, but men are people too! We deserve to be shown appreciation just as much as women.

In short, Ms. De Coster's prescription for "manly" behavior is just as narrow, just as deleterious for men as the radfems who despise all traditional masculinity. I will modify my earlier dictum about conservatives and liberals and state that "traditionalists" and "nontraditionalists" mainly differ in how they want to screw men. Here's a radical idea: How about if we let men decide what is and isn't masculine for a change? Specifically, how about we let each man decide for himself what masculine behavior is? If he behaves honorably, and contributes to society rather than diminishes it, we should honor his contribution, and not shame a man merely for not fitting into some predetermined role.

Mark J.L. Lesmeister, mmeister@houston.rr.com