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by Davidadelong on 02:17 PM February 4th, 2006 EST (#1)
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My Son was killed in an automobile wreck in northern CA, Calaveras Cty. I have been told that he was going to come live with me within a couple of months after the time of his death. First, I was not notified until 3 months after his death by the cty. Second, his mother filed a wrongful death suit against the cty. due to a sheriffs involvement, as well as the driver of the vehicle. Her lawyer listed me as a defendant in his suit, when according to CA civil code I am actually a plaintiff in this case. Her lawyer wrote the court that he didn't know my name, or my address, when we had a phone conversation over a year and a half previously whereby I gave him my current address. I was not able to find an attorney in CA to take my case, and I am acting pro se' in this matter. At the last case management hearing for this case the judge made the comment that the court would address my rights, if indeed I have any, his words. My Son was killed, I will never be able to be a part of his life, and my inalienable rights as a Human Being, as well as the rights afforded me by the CA civil code are being denied. I feel for this Man. I know what it is like to be ignored as a Human Being. I have also contacted the Northern CA ACLU about this. I sent them my last answer to the court with a letter of explanation. I am still wondering if I will get a phone call as I did when I contacted the ACLU the last time about my Human Rights, and was laughed at by the Woman that called me. I have empathy for this Man, specifically any Man in the "land of the free" that has been treated as I have, or worse.
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by Davidadelong on 05:32 PM February 4th, 2006 EST (#3)
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The accident happened about two years ago. My Son was eighteen. My Son and his friend were at a party of friends of theirs. The woman who hosted the party was 28. There were many under age partiers there. Someone called the sheriffs department, the deputy spoke to my Son, asked him his age, and has admitted that he and his friend were visibly intoxicated. My Son and his friend left the party after the deputy left, there was an accident and my Son was ejected from the pickup truck and killed. Under CA civil code it is not revelent that my Sons' mother, who has 4 other Children by 4 different Men was married to me, or ever was married to me. I researched the law myself, and sent copies to the court, as well as the ACLU. I am a rightful heir to his estate, or I am supposed to be. The system cheated me out of being able to be a part of his life while he was alive, and now they want to ignore the fact that I am his Father. I also tried to negotiate a settlement for the arrearage that exists with both the county, and his mother before I was joined to the case. Of course neither one was interested. My question to you is simple, what difference does it make if I was, or was not married, or divorced to the mother? According to the CA civil code, which sites recent cases that have been tested it makes no difference. Of course I am not an attorney, just an average guy trying to live what is left of my life with dignity and respect, even if it is only self respect. I hope this has enlightened you somewhat, I have piles of court papers on this case. By the way, the attorney for Calaveras County is the reason that I was joined at all. He read the law and knew if I wasn't at least joined that according to State law I could sue them, and everyone else involved in the case. He actually helped me get in my first hearing by allowing me to call him and be joined through his phone. The judge that does legal research for the county was concerned that if I wasn't, the county would be liable. But even the attorney and that judge had to use the "back door" to allow me to be joined as the clerks, and everyone else wouldn't. On my second appearance Court Call, a private business that has an agreement with the courts had to call Calaveras County and get permission from the court clerk, even after the judge had said I could on the record, and the clerk sent me a notice. The reason given me by Court Call was that there was one person in Calaveras County that made that decision, and Court Call had agreed to screen anyone and get permission by this one woman.
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by Dittohd on 11:30 PM February 4th, 2006 EST (#4)
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>My question to you is simple, what difference does it make if I was, or was not married, or divorced to the mother?
Your initial description of the circumstance gave us no ideas as to the reasons the lawyers and courts were acting the way they were towards you. You were venting without explaining a whole lot. I realize this is a very touchy subject for you and this isn’t exactly the forum for long conversations and explanations but when you throw out a story that is seemingly strange (or maybe not so strange depending on your perspective), I become very interested in the details. So I was wondering whether your son was still in her womb and you never married the mother or maybe you were divorced and living far away. I found it strange that you would not know about your son’s death until three months afterward and on top of that, notified by the city rather than his mother (your girlfriend? ex-wife?). After all, he did have a funeral I assume unless he was still in her womb at the time of his death and as his father, I would expect you to be there. Really strange that nobody in the family found your absence strange enough to call you and say something. There was nobody at the funeral who was sympathetic to your interests or wondered why you weren’t there enough to call you?
Were you listed as a defendant in the case because they were saying that you were partially responsible for his death? Or was this just a mistake? Or some strange legal maneuver? Being that your son was eighteen years old, I don’t see any justification for this position unless you were partially responsible for the drunkenness while driving of the driver of the car your son was in. I also find it strange that the courts would try to keep you out of the suit since you being in it wouldn’t affect the settlement amount. Or would it? Was your ex-wife trying to keep you out so she’d get all the settlement money?
I don’t understand why you would have trouble finding a lawyer to take a wrongful death of a son lawsuit by a father. What were the reasons you were given? I also don’t understand what whether or not you have “rights” has anything to do with you being a plaintiff in a wrongful death lawsuit. Am I mixing up probate hearings with wrongful death hearings?
>I also tried to negotiate a settlement for the arrearage that exists with both the county, and his mother before I was joined to the case. Of course neither one was interested.
What arrearage are you referring to?
Pro se’? Man, I really admire you handling all this yourself. It’s not like there are books out there to help you with your procedures and research. There are plenty of books explaining how to form a corporation or do a divorce, but wrongful death? Are you at least getting some guidance from a lawyer or legal organization other than your ex-wife’s or city’s lawyers? Seems to me that without a lawyer, they can all jerk you around with impunity and really put you through hell.
Why did this woman from the ACLU laugh at you in her phone call? What did she think was funny?
In your wrongful death lawsuit, what are you (and the mother) alleging that the sheriff’s deputy should have done that he didn’t do when he went to the house?
I realize all this concerns a sore subject so I hope you don’t mind all these questions. I am very curious and most of all as a fellow man, on your side. I have a son who is 28 and without a doubt, I would be just as distraught as you if anything serious happened to him.
Dittohd
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by Davidadelong on 12:07 AM February 5th, 2006 EST (#5)
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By joining me as a defendant, which was mute as the civil code corrects that, her lawyer was trying to cut me out of my Sons' estate. By not notifying me the mother thought that she could end run me. I didn't even know that I had a Child by her, as she has admitted on wellfare records that she told me that George, my Son, was another Mans. I moved to Oregon 12 years ago, and was attacked by Calaveras county for Child support. I acted pro se' then as well, didn't do to bad. They were going to charge me back Child extortion from his birth, but I had caused quite a commotion in their court, and had to end up hiring an attorney because they wouldn't accept my forms anymore. Calaveras county told me that the only rights that I had was to pay. The only way I could see my Son was to move to CA. I could not afford to do that. I was looking forward to being an active part of his life when he reached legal age. I was told by two different attornies that I contacted that Calaveras county is a tough place, and that her attorney is a local. One attorney told me that he felt sorry for me, but he needed his job. As far as the wrongful death suit against the county, the deputy should have made an arrest or two when he broke up the underage party being held by a 28 year old Woman for teenagers, she was not related to any of them. The laughter that I was subjected to was when I contacted the ACLU about the violation of my Constitutional Rights in the beginning of the Child support fiasco. I have been told by attornies, as well as having done my own research that what the government was doing was un Constitutional, I was, and am correct. But, I was informed that no one was dealing with that right now. I challenged the results of the DNA test as one company was doing all the tests for CA, and had no watchdog at the time. I was able to have another done in Utah, but it had the same results, he was my Child. I do not have a choice as to handling this case pro se'. It is either that or hang my head and let them screw me. I may get screwed, but they are going to know that I was there, and I won't be the only one that gets scratched. Besides, all the forms are on the internet now, and I have access to CA law books at the University of OR at Eugene, it is open to the public, and the librarians are very helpful. The judge made the comment as I said before that my rights would be addressed, if indeed I had any. That is why I am filing a motion to have that judge removed from the case as he showed bias in his comments, that is a no no for a judge. The problem is, there is only one judge in Calaveras county that sits on cases that involve the county, so I don't know what they are going to do. Calaveras county is self insured as well. Another injustice, piled on another injustice, and People wonder why we have the problems in this country that we do. I am determined to stand up for my rights, it will not replace my Son, but I cannot, nor will I do what I felt like doing. So this is my only venue, and the deck is stacked against me from the beginning. It is sad a story, I ought to know, I am living it. Hope this helps.
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by Davidadelong on 02:34 PM February 5th, 2006 EST (#10)
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Yes, the law does state that. But, we both know that the interpretation of the law is what happens. The system interpretes the law as to their desires at the time. They were all in collusion, the attorney for the mother, the attorney for the driver, they had entered a good faith settlement without my knowledge, and were trying to exclude me; the mothers' attorney had even told the other lawyers that she had an agreement with me on the side, wasn't true. They were hoping that I would just go away. There is some other drama that plays into this as well. The driver was my Sons' best friend, and his Family is friends with my Sons' Grandfather, it seems that the Grandfather and the Faher of the driver were in the same mortorcycle club together, I believe it was the Gypsy Jokers. All kinds of backroom deals going on, and then I show up. All I can do is deal with one hearing at a time. Perhaps I will be lucky and actually have the ACLU respond positively. But, I really doubt that as I am not a Female, and I have been told that the real meaning of the letters is American civil ladies union. I shall see. As far as the pecuniary responsibility is concerned, I don't think I can afford to come up with 10-20 thousand dollars to hire an attorney, as going against the "system" requires cash up front for them to take the case. Same deal as with fighting Child extortion. The Female gets her attorney for free, and gets all the help from the system, and the Male has to pay, if he has the money. Thank you for your kind thoughts.
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I feel for this guy. That's terrible.
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So sorry to hear of the death of your son. So close to the time he was to come and be with you. That is heartbreaking.
It is incredible yet telling that they were able to identify you as the father when it came to collecting child support for your son but "unable" or unwilling to notifiy you of his death. That in itself seems criminal to me. "You only exist to pay child support" seems to be the message.
It sounds like you are honoring your son in some ways through your legal efforts. If you can stop the system from doing this to you and make them pay then possibly some other father may not have to go thruogh the same hell.
SYG
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by Davidadelong on 11:47 AM February 5th, 2006 EST (#8)
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First, I want to thank you all for the kind thoughts. As I was re-reading this thread this AM I broke down, again. I thought about my tears, and what they meant other than my grief. They do not shame me, they shame those that have allowed this current situation to come to pass. I started this with the intent of honoring my Sons' short life, and to strike out at the system that created this situation. It is a sad state of affairs that money is how these assholes keep score. I wanted nothing more than to be left alone, and sought to try and do the right thing during my formative years of life. I have never gone to battle without the hope that what I would do would help others, because quite frankly I could have become a "ghost" a long time ago. But, hiding and trying to ignore that which transpires around me is not in my character. I try to live my life as an example to my progeny, and an example to myself. If others find something worthy of duplication, then thank you. I have always been able to do more for others in situations than it seems that others could do for me. Self preservation for me is to stand tall, strong, and give no quarter when in battle. "It is a good day to die!"
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by NoQuarterGiven on 10:41 AM February 6th, 2006 EST (#11)
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Be strong, my friend. Do not be strong because you are a man, nor even because you are a father. Be strong because you are a human being seeking justice in an unjust world.
I do not know if you subscribe to any religious or spiritual beliefs, so please forgive the following if you do not:
Your son now has wisdom beyond any he may have held in life. He knows the truth about his life, about you, about his mother, and the truth of your heart. He is with you now, and sees your grief. Let your anguish flow and thus be spent, take the time given to you, and then renew your fight. You have support and encouragement here, and indeed friends. We all grieve with you, brother.
Let us know what we may do.
Peace.
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by Davidadelong on 11:34 AM February 6th, 2006 EST (#12)
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I really don't know what to say. Your thoughts conveyed by your words touched me deeply, THANK YOU. My spiritual beliefs are in line with your thoughts. THANK YOU
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by NoQuarterGiven on 03:51 PM February 6th, 2006 EST (#15)
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You are most welcome, Brother. I am glad that you were comforted as much as words may. I went through something similar when my father passed away unexpectedly, and in the very first moment I was alone, I asked him:
"Do you see now? Do you understand?"
To my inward mind, his answer was "Yes".
Peace.
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by Thundercloud on 03:30 PM February 6th, 2006 EST (#13)
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...Maybe it's an "Indian thing".
Either way it's going to probably sound weird and raise some eye-brows, but here goes.
In 1997, I found a baby Raccoon that was sick and had no mother. (I later surmised that the mother died of what the baby had) This little Raccoon was so scared, alone and hungry. I didn't want to try to raise it, so I tried to see if I could get the mother to take it back. I took the baby into the woods and very soon a number of adult Raccoons showed up to investigate the baby's scent. A mother raccoon will NOT take a baby that is not hers, usually, and none of them took the baby home. So I knew I'd have to raise it.
I took her home and set her down in the cat-carrier I had her in. She immediately stuck her little paws out through the bars. I didn't hesitate to take the tiny paws in my hands to try and comfort her. In that moment I felt a bond to her that I have never been able to explain. All I can say is, that it was very paternal.
Then I gave her some water,and some food. We bonded instantly. She knew I was trying to help her.
On that day, That little Raccoon became my baby in every sense of the word, except by blood. I named her; "Kvtli Iya Usdi. In Cherokee that means "little pumpkin (Raccoon)". I just called her 'I-ya" for short.
In the days that followed we became closer and closer. I played with her, gave her treats, and took her outside to play. I gave her a stuffed teddy bear that I had had for years and she liked to cuddle up and sleep with it.
One night I was playing with her. and she was examining my hands. then she looked up at me in this knowing sort of way. She looked at me in a way no one or no thing has ever looked at me before. It felt as though she was looking right into my soul. literally.
In the days that followed I began to notice discharge from her eyes, and she didn't seem to want to play as much.
I took her out to play one more time before she died. Sick as she was, I remember her trying to play. she'd run a little then rest. I remember putting her on a stump so that she could look around. Then I remember that she was sitting on the ground playing as I watched a short distance away. She looked over at me for a moment, then happily came running over to me. After that, though she seemed really tired. I knew she wanted to go home. I started for the house but Iya was having a lot of trouble keeping up with me. So I picked her up and carried her the rest of the way home.
When we got there she pretty much collapsed.
The following day, she could hardly sit up. I knew then, for sure she was dying.
As the days went on she became weaker and weaker. She eventually couldn't even raise her head. Then came full paralysis. All she could do was lay there and cry, and there wasn't a thing I could do for her. I later found out that she had distemper. and it's 99% to 100% fatal.
Then Early on the morning of may 6 1997 at around 4;00 am. baby Iya died.
I was devastated.
I literally became clinically depressed. I even had to go to therapy.
In therapy I learned that my bonding with Baby Iya had been very REAL. And it was almost as traumatic, for me, as if I had lost my own child.
This May it will be nine years since I found, nurtured and finally lost baby Iya.
I STILL get a lump in my throat when I think about her.
My point being that I do not need someone to tell me that as a "dad" I do or don't feel as much grief as a woman might.
Losing Baby Iya was one of the hardest things I've ever endured. Had she been my flesh and blood. I might have literally died from grief.
If I felt this destroyed after the death of a baby Raccoon, imagine the grief over my own flesh and blood.
That is something I can't imagine. For a mother OR a father.
Of COURSE dads grieve as much as moms over the loss of a child. Maybe in some ways, MORE so.
I am surprised that such a question is even raised.
You know what the hardest thing is to "get over" after losing Baby Iya?
The way she looked into my soul, that one night.
It haunts me to this day.
I will never forget...
I have always wanted to be a 'Dad'. Maybe, just for a while, I kind of was.
Thundercloud.
"Hoka hey!"
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by Davidadelong on 03:41 PM February 6th, 2006 EST (#14)
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Of course you were a Dad TC, of course you were. You found an outlet for that which is part of you. A healthy thing. I am sorry to hear about Iyas' death. Perhaps in some strange way that was a learning experience in your journey, knowledge that you would never have had otherwise? That which does not destroy us serves only to make us stronger...............If we can stand the pain of learning. "Hoka hey!"
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by Thundercloud on 12:22 PM February 7th, 2006 EST (#16)
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Thank you, David.
Actually, I had raised orphaned or abandoned baby raccoons before, but had never bonded with one like I did that little gal.
Iya was indeed special.
And yes, she did teach me a lot.
Thundercloud.
"Hoka hey!"
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by MAUS on 04:59 PM February 10th, 2006 EST (#18)
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This tale you tell is not at all strange Thundercloud. About four years ago my mother died. I mourned but I did not loose it. Then my wife ran off. I mourned but I did not loose it. Then a close friend died. I mourned but I did not loose it.
Then my cat who had been my companion for 18 years died......and I howled like a Klingon
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by Davidadelong on 11:20 AM February 9th, 2006 EST (#17)
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For any that are interested I received a response form the ACLU, FYI:
"Your letter to the American Civil Liberties Union of Northern California has been received. Unfortunately, we are unable to offer you legal advice or assistance. The ACLU is a private, non-profit organization and our limited resources do not allow us to function as a general provider of legal services. Nor can our small staff do research or investigate many of the problems that come to our attention, no matter how legitimate they may be. In general, we must confine our involvement to a limited number of cases which raise new constitutional issues or which affect large numbers of people, and these are usually at the appellate level. Because of these criteria, we will not be able to provide you with leagl assistance." If this situation doesn't have an impact on other Men in the state of ca, or in the U.S. for that matter I guess I don't know what large numbers of People means. Oh yes, the "american civil ladies union" has demonstrated that they are biased towards Women. I guess Men don't qualify as People. This same office helped a young Girl play in an all Boy softball league if I remember correctly.
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Anonymous User writes "