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Larry continues "From the Detroit Free Press:
ASK SADIE: Bloviating hubby is a bore
August 30, 2004
Dear Sadie:My husband has always been opinionated, but now he's gone over the edge. He's joined a men's rights organization. Some years ago, he had problems with his first wife over alimony, which he's never resolved in his head. Anyway, he recently connected with some fellow he met on the train about this organization, and it's become his "cause." It's bad enough when he carries on with me, but he bores everyone with his new passion. Any ideas? -- Bored Wife
Sadie says: Quick, did you sign a prenup? (OK, kidding -- maybe.) Now if he were Mr. Sadie, I'd just scream, "Shut up already! People are wearing garlic around you!" and then don heavy-duty earmuffs. But that would be so tacky. Then again, so is preaching points over shrimp puffs.
Getting it: Your personal strategy
The sensible thing is to say simply: "Darling, I love seeing you passionate. But serving up too much public passion is like too much sushi. A bit tantalizes. But if your dessert is hand-rolled, your guests will fling rice at each other in a boredom-frenzy." Tell him his attempts at enlisting interest (or converts) are collapsing under the weight of his ponderous stump.
Follow the cues. Gently tell him that, if someone asks what he's up to, he may certainly intro his new org and follow with a tonally pleasing brief conversation. But when his audience yawns, darts, moves off, interrupts, changes the topic, flees for an exit -- or picks up a carving knife -- it's time to change the topic to something less emotional -- Michael Moore . . . the 9-11 report . . . WMD . . . anything but men's rights.
Signal the cues. If BM (Boring Mate) still finds himself blabbering to little children or the rumaki, agree to stand by him next time and signal when he needs to quit mouthing off and move off.
Let him write it! Nothing can quiet excess puffery faster than a pen. He has a position? Write a paper. It's easier on the ears and might be a nifty handout that piques interest without putting his public into a state of petrifaction.
Finally, this passion with men's rights is quelling some old grudges. Time could be the best toner. Give it some. Oh, and go check on that prenup. Wouldn't hurt.
ASK SADIE appears in the Free Press Mondays and Wednesdays. E-mail asksadie@aol.com. Write her and other advice columnists at P.O. Box 828, Detroit 48231.
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NOT from the Detroit Free Press:
ASK MRA GUY: Bored wife is a downer
September 3, 2004
Dear MRA Guy: Some years ago, my first wife turned on me and put me through a devastating divorce in which I lost everything. I have since put my life back together and remarried. Anyway, I recently met a fellow on a train who connected me with a men's rights group. They've helped me understand what happened and how the courts were stacked against me. I have become an enthusiastic men's right activist (MRA) and talk to everyone I can about it. My wife says that I'm boring her and boring everone I meet. She thinks I'm just mad about having to pay alimony. How do I show her that it's not the money, that the alimony is just a constant, galling reminder of how I was betrayed, demonized and walked on by a woman I thought loved me? - Deflated in Detroit
MRA Guy says -Quick, did you get a prenup? (OK, kidding -- maybe) Your wife's reaction is not uncommon. When she says she's bored, what she really means is that she's uncomfortable. As you have no doubt experienced, talking about men's issues is NOT boring. It's emotional dynamite! As my sister advice columnist Sadie so aptly put it - "it's time to change the topic to something less emotional -- Michael Moore . . . the 9-11 report . . . WMD . . . anything but men's rights."
Your wife is uncomfortable with your new activity and wishes you would stop. Toward that end, she is feigning boredom in the hopes that you too will become bored, lose your enthusiasm and drop your activity. She is uncomfortable on two levels. On the surface, she is uncomfortable that you are not engaging in small talk, "If traffic is heavy on I-999, I like to switch onto Hubert Wicker Avenue in the mornings" but starting passionate debates. A no-no in her idea of polite society.
On a more serious level, she is uncomfortable with the possibility that you will succeed. Most states have a time period for marriages after which a woman becomes eligible for alimony. I don't know the time period in your state, but you can bet that your wife does. Under the current family law system, she knows that if she decides you aren't "fulfilling her needs," she can kick you out of her life. With some standard whining ("I sacrificed my career for him!"), she can count on a court forcing you to continue to support her financially. If MRA's are successful, she won't have that option. You say your sweetie wouldn't do that? Well, you thought that about your first wife, too.
It is doubtful you can ever convince her that you're not focussed on the money because she is focussed on the money.
Don't let her apparent indifference get you down. She'll either get over her discomfort or she won't. Oh, and go find that prenup and put it in a safe place. Wouldn't hurt.
MRA GUY is a Man for Justice."
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