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by Anonymous User on Friday October 26, @02:59PM EST (#1)
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Maybe I'm misunderstanding Farrell, but it's as if he's saying that men should just father kids, but not help pay for them or take care of them, because it's not "fair" for a man to make any sacrifices for the sake of his children.
Let's face facts. If you want to live your life for yourself, that's fine, but you can't live your life for yourself AND have kids. It just doesn't work that way. Kids cost money and need to be taken care of. If you don't want to spend the money, if you don't want to take the time, you shouldn't have kids, and this goes for women too. It's impossible for anyone to have it all.
Some people are simply not cut out to be parents. We don't want to spend the money or sacrifice our dreams. Yes, I am part of that we. I want to live my life for me, not for some brat, and my partner feels the same way. We want to do what we want, go where we want, spend our money the way we want, without being tethered to the needs of a child that we both resent and look at as a brat and a money vacuum.
Instead of encouraging people who obviously don't yearn for the joys of parenthood to have kids they don't want to care for, and will end up resenting, why not instead make the childfree lifestyle a valid and acceptable choice? Why not tell men (and women), "It's okay if you don't want to be a parent. There's nothing wrong, selfish or unnatural with choosing to be childfree"? BTW I'm not talking about abortion, C4M or any of that stuff. I'm talking about choosing to NEVER have children, not ever, and taking steps to make sure you never conceive a child you know you don't want.
My own parents abused and neglected me because neither one of them wanted children. They both told me I ruined their lives and destroyed their dreams. The only reason they had me was because society pressures all of us to breed, whether we want to or not. That is wrong, and I suffered immeasurably because of that attitude. It's actually because of my own abuse that I learned the value of being childfree. I became determined to not do to a kid what my parents did to me, and I've lived my life without ever conceiving a child.
Let's stop pretending that we can have it all, and let's stop pretending that everyone *should* be a parent. Let's promote the childfree lifestyle as a valid alternative for millions of people who do NOT want to be parents. I would applaud Warren Farrell if he did this.
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Maybe I'm misunderstanding Farrell, but it's as if he's saying that men should just father kids, but not help pay for them or take care of them, because it's not "fair" for a man to make any sacrifices for the sake of his children.
I don't think that's what he's saying. I think ultimately he wants people to understand that men who choose fatherhood and husbandry end up having fewer other choices in their lives, that they've sacrificed some part of themselves for the family, and that they should be respected for that. That's what I take from it, anyway.
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by Anonymous User on Friday October 26, @03:09PM EST (#3)
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Whether you're a CF man or woman, it is imperative that, before you ever get married, you make absolutely sure that your spouse-to-be also does not want children. This should be discussed before you ever get engaged. If you disagree on this with your bf/gf, DO NOT MARRY THAT PERSON. If you do, you're only setting yourself, them and possibly an innocent (unwanted) kid for a lifetime of pain down the road. Don't even marry someone who is undecided. Only marry if your intended completely agrees with you and is steadfastly against having children.
Above all, don't give up. The childfree movement is growing by leaps and bounds. Every CF man and woman can find a CF partner if they're willing to be patient, and willing to screen their potential mates.
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by Anonymous User on Friday October 26, @03:18PM EST (#4)
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I agree that they should be respected, but I really get the impression of negative undertones in Farrell's descriptions of parenthood, and fatherhood in particular. He doesn't say anything about the joys of parenthood. He just goes on about how having a kid means you have to work yourself to the death at a job you hate, and forget about ever having a moment of happiness in your life.
Anyone who has those kinds of negative feelings regarding fatherhood (or motherhood) really needs to ask themselves if they want to be a parent in the first place, or if they're consenting to it only because society tells them they must. I don't know if Farrell has kids, but if he does, I wonder if, were he given the opportunity to live his life again, if he'd have them again.
I actually feel less angry at my own parents when I think about this. I wish they'd felt they had more choices, instead of feeling that they had some kind of duty to pop out a kid regardless of their lack of maternal and paternal instincts.
This is actually an area where men and women stand on equal ground. CF men and women are both trashed by society. We're called selfish, unnatural and worse. We're accused of hating children. Actually, I love children. I love them so much that I refuse to do to a child what my parents did to me.
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