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This article is a good example of one of my favorite ways to challenge women about gender roles. The work I do at my university often has me challenging men to think about the social constructs that bind them, but every once in a while I get to use this one with women.
In April I sat in on an open discussion hosted by our campus rape-prevention group. The topic was "How Men and Women Can Work Together to Stop Sexual Violence." There were actually more men there than women, but it was interesting to see how the men deferred to the women when it came to speaking about this issue.
The women that were there spoke honestly and in a positive way about how they know that most guys aren't rapists, but they wished that more men got involved in creating a clear message to other men that women aren't objects, rape isn't okay, etc, etc. Then as they moved on to how men and women could cultivate better relationships, I let 'em have it.
I used all the same arguments that were in the article and I stated, point blank, to the women that if they really want equality then they needed to pick up the effort to assume some of these responsibilities. They couldn't wait for women in movies to do it, or their girlfriends, or anyone else. They needed to start doing it right now, and until they did they wouldn't see any decrease in the level of frustration that men feel, and their relationships with men wouldn't improve in these areas.
Not a single argument was made against me. They literally stared at me for five seconds and then moved on, like they had no way of saying anything else about it. And you know what? I don't think they moved on because they were angry or didn't want to deal with it. After the meeting several guys came up to me and thanked me for saying it, and one of the women did as well. I didn't get any dirty looks or anything.
I think they moved on because they don't even know where to begin. I think it's one of the best examples of why men and women have such strained relationships sometimes. They just don't know how to change, and nobody is offering any directions or advice for how to make change become a reality.
If we really want to help each other, some of us have to move beyond talking about these issues and start pioneering ways to make the change possible. That's really difficult. Do we form classes on dating? Write books about sharing feelings? Hold seminars on sex and talking in the bedroom? Any of those things that have already been attempted have been met with such skepticism. We have to keep on with this, though.
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Well said, Rams. For me, I think working on these issues with whomever I happen to be involved with at the moment is one of the best ways to go about creating change. Chances are that if my partner and I learn to treat each other as equals we will take those lessons on to other relationships if or when we move on to others. And the others will take those lessons with them... and so on...
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